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Tuesday, June 18th, 2002

Subject:I had a GREAT time in Middle Earth.....
Time:7:26 am.
Mood: relaxed.
.. last night with the gang.. A lot of strange things are going on there so getting together with them is always volatile.. but also intensely exciting! I want to thank all of the great Middle Earth folks for inviting me in and for being so generous to me. I was treated like family, and I loved it. Thanks, gang!

Sadly tho, my counterpart got a tad upset and wrecked Farry and Issy's house! I invited them to stay at with me at Viggo's 'till their place is fixed and they have a bed to sleep in. So anyone wanting to meet the bride and groom.. stop by and see us.

In other news: I am headed out to be Boromir again this weekend. I'll be doing a few location shots that will take me back to the woods. Can't tell you how happy I am about that! I'll miss all of you, but I'll only be gone from Friday 'till Sunday. I'll try to call Astin to see who how you're all doing.

Speaking of Astin.. wasn't last night the big date?? How did it go, you two? I saw the limo! Cool!

Mir!! I'm sorry if it seemed that I deserted you last night, Kitten. I'll make it up to you.

Nudges the Llama.. Shhh! Don't wake him up! He'll PAINT you!
Been Bladed: Read 11 or Blade Me.

Friday, June 14th, 2002

Subject:On being MANLY....
Time:7:48 am.
Mood: contemplative.
There's been some discussion of it lately, and after the posts that Vigs and I did that were dedicated to each other, it came even more into my consciousness.

What does it mean to be 'manly'? REALLY mean. Well, the Bean man will tell you what HE thinks and then you can make your own mind up whether or not you think he's right, or full of it.

Being manly means being:

Honest and forthright. You don't say things you don't mean. You word MEANS something. You walk the talk. You don't merely talk the walk. Some things ('I love you' for one) are easy to say, but much harder to live with honor. If you're not up to the 'living it' part, keep your mouth shut. You don't play with people's feelings.

Decent and caring.
You may not always be able to do it, but you at least TRY to treat other people with kindness. You don't jerk them around. You don't play them against each other. You have a sense of integrity about how you treat people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being manly has nothing to do with muscles or being sexy or how many people you can shag. It has to do with heart and integrity and how many people you can love and protect.

That's what Bean thinks anyway....
Been Bladed: Read 5 or Blade Me.

Wednesday, June 12th, 2002

Subject:The Bean Man...
Time:7:30 am.
Mood: pensive.
.. is staying silent.

Well, at least I'm staying silent for the moment. Just observing and listening.. and playing with my purple cat. fucking Viggo

It should be noted, though, that I am usually never silent when any of my friends are hurt. I tend to step up to the plate and whack away</b> before I've even thought about it much. Probably a fault on my part. Probably should be less protective of people who are old enough to take care of themselves.

Should be. But probably won't be.

:: sigh ::
Been Bladed: Read 6 or Blade Me.

Monday, June 10th, 2002

Subject:It's been...
Time:10:10 am.
Mood: happy.
.. so great being Boromir again. If only for the fact that I got to be outside most of the time in a totally gorgeous setting. I bet most of you didn't know that Bean is something of a gardener. Yep. I like being outside.

But there certainly were interesting things going on INSIDE last night! Man! Sean-A-Man, Vigs, Elijah, and I visited some of the hot as fuck nice guys in Middle Earth.

While we were there, they were kind enough to provide some X rated highly exciting entertainment. I must say that I was barely able to breathe MORE than impressed!! Faramir strikes me as a hot and highly shaggable very friendly dude, and, of course, the incredibly hot and gorgeous very sweet Prince of Mirkwood is incomparable.

They use the horn over there with.. uh.. amazingly sexy manly skill.

I know we all plan to visit them again. In fact, I'm not sure how we could be fucking RESTRAINED from visiting there again!

:: whew ::

What do you think, Sean-A-Man? Ready for a return trip??
Been Bladed: Read 19 or Blade Me.

Friday, June 7th, 2002

Subject:I seem....
Time:8:30 am.
Mood: morose.
... to have moved into a perpetual state of pissedoffness.

Don't WANT to feel that way. But do. Actually.. my mood is probably more sad than angry. I think I need to get away for a day or two. There are lots of woods where I'm going.

And I do love woods.

:: sigh ::

Bye, all.
Been Bladed: Read 11 or Blade Me.

Thursday, June 6th, 2002

Subject:Ohhhhh! My HEAD!
Time:7:28 am.
Mood: content.
Sean-A-Man's complaining about his head! He should try thinking inside of MINE today!

Things seem calmer and a lot more loving around here today, and I couldn't be happier. I'm too old to deal well with too much chaos. Makes me want to drink copiously.

Orli threw a great party last night, and everyone had a super time. I know I did. Danced the tango with Vigs.. who dances divinely, btw. Had a massively impresssive drinking contest with SA behind Billy's back, and just generally enjoyed myself. I hear Sam showed up after I left. Damn! I'm sorry to have missed him. He's someone I lust after admire tremendously.

And on top of THAT, I missed a message from the hot as fuck Prince of Mirkwood. I seem to be just missing a lot of fun things lately. But I tend to think that things work out the way they're meant to work out. I'll get another chance. Both with Sam and the royal house of Mirkwood.

I feel sure Boromir stood in for me with emmense hotness intensity and lust care last night. Go Boromir!

Hope everyone's feeling happy today. I know I am.
Been Bladed: Blade Me.

Wednesday, June 5th, 2002

Subject:Had lunch...
Time:2:22 pm.
Mood: happy.
... with Astin. Had a great time and he was in much better spirits than I thought he would be. The man is amazing. What resilience! He's got his eye on the future and even tho his heart is still aching.. he's smiling.

I love Sean.

It was so great to get that time with him. Made me feel a lot better about everything. And I needed to feel better.

SB
Been Bladed: Read 7 or Blade Me.

Tuesday, June 4th, 2002

Subject:Fellowship..
Time:9:53 am.
Mood: touched.
I feel as though I found the meaning of fellowship last night while chatting with Viggo and Sean Astin. There is something to be said for being with people who you KNOW will not betray you, who have your back and deeply believe the same things you do.

Gives a good feeling.. of brotherhood.

Take it to heart....


These mist covered mountains
Are a home now for me
But my home is the lowlands
And always will be
Some day you'll return to
Your valleys and your farms
And you'll no longer burn
To be brothers in arm

Through these fields of destruction
Baptism of fire
I've watched all your suffering
As the battles raged higher
And though they did hurt me so bad
In the fear and alarm
You did not desert me
My brothers in arms

There's so many different worlds
So many different suns
And we have just one world
But we live in different ones

Now the sun's gone to hell
And the moon's riding high
Let me bid you farewell
Every man has to die
But it's written in the starlight
And every line on your palm
We're fools to make war
On our brothers in arms

Been Bladed: Blade Me.

Monday, June 3rd, 2002

Subject:This plane ride....
Time:7:56 am.
Mood: exhausted.
... has been the best and worst experience of my life. It's been like a microcosm of.. of what? Middle Earth? The fellowship? The best and worst of all of us has been revealed on this trip. We've all been changed... tho I'm not sure how many of us can admit it. I'm not sure how much I can admit it. I'm sure that Liv would say I need to admit a lot more.

Last night Elijah told me that he thought of me as the father he never knew, and I almost cried. Thank god I didn't because Viggo would have laughed his ass off! What a beautiful thing to say to me. And how much that meant to me! But had it not been for the plane ride and the more vulnerable sides of myself that he saw there.. maybe he would not have said such a thing. Hope the little guy knows that I feel the same about him and that I have his back. Maybe I can find a quiet moment today to tell him. There just aren't many quiet moments here. ::sigh::

Other things have happened to me here. Things I can't discuss because they involve someone else whose feelings I am honor bound to protect (tho I'm sure he wouldn't understand that kind of thinking). I hope he's happy and I shall always care. But the best thing I can do now is keep my distance. So I say nothing other than a silent 'goodbye angel' in my mind and heart.

I can't wait to be Boromir again.

I need the feeling of leather on my body and a sword at my hip. Hope I have some scenes to shoot with Vigs. He is the most healing presence in my life.

God, I hate flying. And even more than that.. I hate flying on THIS airplane! After two days of being all together stuffed into this confined space... can you imagine how this place SMELLS????


Don't ask.
Been Bladed: Read 6 or Blade Me.

Sunday, June 2nd, 2002

Subject:Contradictions to the tune of.. 'Give me.. shelter'
Time:11:34 am.
Mood: blank.
Interesting contradictions. Can't really write what I want to write because... it wouldn't be the right thing to do. And I do care about doing the right thing.

Right.

Even here.. my own journal... can't do it. Can't discuss what happened or how I feel about it. Can only feel happy that I am who I am and that I was true to that. And didn't take advantage or do or say things to hurt anyone. I can, at least, say that. And that's a lot I guess. Works for me anyway.

:: nudges Vigs ::

:: You bring along any paint thinner? We could clean the body art off Elijah and then get stoned. ::

on second thought.
Been Bladed: Read 3 or Blade Me.

Saturday, June 1st, 2002

Subject:Well what fucking NEXT?
Time:7:48 am.
Mood:weeing my pants with terror.
God! Life would be so much easier if only I WERE the villian everyone believes me to be.

Yesterday I let myself unbend a bit. Opened my heart a little. Tried not to think of everyone else on the planet as the enemy. In fact consciously TRIED to be a better person and show the love and caring that everyone says I don't show... don't even HAVE to show. And I ended up feeling worse than I've ever felt in my life.

So YEA for being a nice guy! THAT sure worked out well! Why didn't I just shove glowing coals into my armpits?

And then...

I had this conversation with Orlando.

He has the most interesting way of talking. :: may faint ::

I escaped with my honor.. and my straightness intact. Just barely. But neither will survive another encounter like that one.

He has to make up his mind. I'm not going to play games.

That fridge of Viggo's has become a life form. I'm truly afraid of it.

Must go wake the paint boy up.

Must go vomit.
Been Bladed: Read 1 or Blade Me.

Friday, May 31st, 2002

Subject:I wonder if anyone's....
Time:6:19 am.
Mood: confused.
... seen Liv. We were talking last night and she just disapperared. I'm a bit worried.

Stopped by Orlando's for a drink last night. Left early, though, when Craig showed up and they started talking about playing in the tent.

I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH, ORLANDO!

Feeling slightly concussed today, but I suppose it's to be expected. The pic of Gim on the surfboard was enough to put me into a coma... through sheer admiration, of course.

Must find Viggo. I'm developing a real taste for paint thinner.

When do we leave??? Wonder if Orli would sit with me on the plane.

Have him to myself for 12 hours or so! YEAH!
Been Bladed: Read 9 or Blade Me.

Thursday, May 30th, 2002

Subject:Back...
Time:7:24 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Well, that went better than I anticipated. God, he is so sweet and understanding. I guess he could see how apprehensive I felt and he didn't push me... well not too much anyway. He wouldn't let me get away with not talking though, and he can be persuasive.

I know he's seeing shagging? Craig, and I don't know how deep that relationship goes so to speak. :: sigh ::.

We were both tentative and apprehensive. Just exploring options. Getting reacquainted. Getting to know each other all over again. The feeling of anticipation between us was palpable. . like an electric charge. Neither of us mentioned it, and I found it exhilarating terrifying. But.. it was also the most exciting chummy feeling I've ever had.

He has the most amazing laugh. And, of course, the whole world knows that his smile could melt the polar ice caps. We seemed to have so much to talk about! Funny, a few times this evening his hand touched mine, and the feeling stunned my heart. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he ever . . . I DIDN'T almost say that!

And I mean.. he does . . . have beautiful hands . . . which I can't stop thinking about now.

I mean that in. . . in a totally straight way of co....

Oh fuck it.

I wish I could take a cavalier attitude toward this. Be the cold hearted bastard MANLY man I usually am and blow it off with the kind of contempt I normally reserve for dealing with feelings I can't handle define. I imagine I'll get back to being the bastard tomorrow. But somehow tonight . . . it's just not happening. All I have inside me tonight is a kind of gentle wondering.

Do I hear thunder??

:: listens ::

Yep. Thunder. Figures.

Wonder if Liv's around.
Been Bladed: Read 9 or Blade Me.

Subject:Oh my god...
Time:3:45 pm.
Mood: scared.
Orli's on his way to Viggo's to pick me up. I shall try to finish this last beer before he gets here.. liquid courage is better than none.

He says I have to talk and he'll listen. But what if I CAN'T talk? God knows it's happened before. Tongue tied and stammering. Last night a good example. I know he's been seeing people. What can I promise him? I'm afraid I have nothing to offer a bright light like Orli.

:: sigh ::

I hope this goes well. And if not.. I hope Viggo has lots of booze. I'm going to need it.
Been Bladed: Blade Me.

Subject:It's pretty damned silly I suppose...
Time:7:46 am.
Mood: blank.
.. to stuff a note under someone's door. In a totally straight way, of course. BUT.. it was the best I could do at the time. I hope he understands.

Liv, honey.. thanks for your support. You're an absolute doll. I don't know of anyone else who would have been so understanding.

::
I bet she's not up yet. Wonder what kind of night she had last night. I know MINE was amazing. Thanks to HIM.
::

Gonna go hang around Viggos. Maybe the smell of the paint thinner will lighten my mood.

Though I DO look good when I'm broody! .. which should help with Macbeth!
Been Bladed: Read 7 or Blade Me.

Subject:Wow...
Time:12:46 am.
Mood: giddy.
I heard from Orli!

He called me 'beautiful' and said he was glad to see me. Actually THREW himself at me. In a totally straight way, of course. It's really hard for me to put my feelings into words.

I was stammering like a schoolboy and I have no idea WHY! I mean, he IS awfully cute and all... but man. I wouldn't have thought I'd feel so.. uh.. so..

.. I haven't a clue what kind of word to end that sentence with.

Maybe Orlando can come up with one. I'm at a loss.
Been Bladed: Read 23 or Blade Me.

Wednesday, May 29th, 2002

Subject:GREAT to see all of you!
Time:5:44 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Been pretty busy and have a full schedule ahead, so it'll be nice to keep up with all of you here.

I went to the Beckham World Cup Party in May and it was great fun! Lots of cool STRAIGHT people were there, like Sir Elton John NOT!! and the Spice Girls DEFINATELY STRAIGHT.. well maybe not Posh. And then, of course, there was ME! Is ORLANDO looking?

Counting the days until June when I go back to New Zealand. Should be there about four days. Gee, I'll miss all of you! NOT - Well, maybe YOU, Orlando!

This October I shall be playing Macbeth. Can ANY of you lot say Shakespeare??? Hope some of you can come over and cheer me on. Especially YOU, Orlando.

I'll be keeping an eye on all of you. Hear that, Orli? My room? 10:00?

Love.. Uh.. I MEAN THAT IN A TOTALLY STRAIGHT WAY!

god, orlando's HOT!

but so's Viggo!
Been Bladed: Read 18 or Blade Me.

LiveJournal for Sean Bean.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (The Complete Sean Bean).
View:Memories.
You're looking at 17 entries, after skipping 20 newer ones. Missed some entries? Then simply jump forward 20 entries.